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avatar 1 year.ago

I stole this from a comedian (first post this the best I got)

So philosophy throughout history has been safety in numbers that's been how people have always thought the more of you the safer the better that's how the Roman's where so successful and the Mongols and Chinese.............well try telling that to the 6 million jews

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funny dad jokes

funny dad jokes
1. What’s white and crawls up your leg?

Uncle Ben’s Perverted Rice

2. Tonight for dinner is

Tuna salad, pasta salad, chicken salad, potato salad, and egg salad. I call it my Cinco de Mayo.

3. There's a rough-haired equine on the racetrack with a scratchy whinny!

It's a coarse, hoarse horse on the course!

4. You know what Chris Rock had on his face the rest of that Oscar night?

Fresh Prints!

5. So last night i accidentally changed myself

I woke up feeling 100%

6. This American wrestler is going into the final round of the Olympics and unfortunately he's got to go up against this undefeated Russian.

The Russian had broken the backs of his two previous opponents with a patented move called "The Pretzel Hold".  In the pre-fight meeting, the coach for the American wrestler says, "If that madman gets you in the "Pretzel Hold", I'm throwing in the towel".  The American wrestler said, "Well, I appreciate it because I don't want to wind up like those two other guys".  So the match begins, and sure enough, within 30 seconds the Russian has the American in the "Pretzel Hold" and is REALLY wrenching down on him. The coach for the American is frantically looking for a towel to throw in.  The American wrestler, on the verge of losing consciousness, looks up and sees this nutsack hanging in front of his face. He figures, "What the hell", and bites it as hard as he possibly can.  Immediately, he comes flying out of the "Pretzel Hold", grabs the Russian, and pins him. The crowd goes WILD!!!. In the after match press conference, the reporters repeatedly asked, "How in the world did you manage to pin the guy, let alone get out the "Pretzel Hold"???????" The American wrestler, paused for a minute, and then said, "It's amazing what you can do when you bite your own nutsack".

7. Why was 69 afraid of 70

Because 71.

8. Why didn’t the time traveler take his children with him to the Roman Empire?

The Latin people spoke was so vulgar!

9. Two Australians walk out of a bar

Hey, it could happen!

10. My bank just installed a new Ultimate Extreme ATM.

Now all my withdrawals are in tens.

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